Soul Shape

It is difficult to process this past year. It was full and beautiful, painful and unexpected. All I know is I am so happy to be back home. I am at peace in the sunshine, in my garden, with my family, in the place where I ‘feel the most belonging’.

When we first arrived home, I had some good time to reflect on my time in Ireland. I looked through pictures from our year abroad and made a presentation to share favorite photos with my family. At that moment, I realized fully what a beautiful experience it was to live in Ireland. I realized how deeply thankful I felt for that opportunity. The first half of our trip was filled with difficult transitions, yet it was fun and exciting. We explored many places in Ireland, saw friends who visited from home, travelled to Paris and London, and saw some of the world’s most beautiful Christmas markets in Germany and France.

I don’t want to deny, though, that everything reached a peak when Covid-19 hit.

Through looking at photographs, I could tell it became very difficult to be in Ireland in January after a couple of our friends visited us and travelled back home. It was when the winter weather became difficult to manage and my skin revolted from the cold with painful rashes, when I experienced seasonal depression for the first time in a place that rains on average 232 days a year, and when news began circulating about a virus threatening to affect the world. And when the pandemic hit, my parents had to cancel their plans to visit and I unexpectedly had to wait an entire year to see them after moving abroad.

By the end of our year in Ireland, I felt very ready to be home.

We flew home early July and when I set foot in my family home, everything from the past year hit me and I couldn’t stop crying. I had been keeping it together to finish my master’s program and navigate a pandemic in a new country away from my family. Yet, at that minute I broke.

Have you ever felt that your soul has grown and altered from a life-changing experience? That you feel almost uncomfortable in your own skin or that your soul no longer occupies your body in the way it once did? Perhaps the soul becomes a new shape the body isn’t used to. Maybe my soul has grown first and the rest of me has yet to catch up and change to the shape of my soul as I reflect on this past year and heal from the painful moments it has brought me.

Or maybe I am experiencing reverse culture shock. I don’t know exactly what is going on in me. I feel like I don’t know how to process or what to process. But I am thankful that God has my life in his hands, knows me, and will help me along this journey.

A year later and I am home. It feels like everything has changed. Yet, it also feels like everything has stayed the same. If someone were to tell me this past year abroad didn’t happen, I am afraid I would believe it. I suppose a global crisis on top of culture shock will do that to a person.

I recently heard someone say we have to be brave enough to walk through the doors God opens for us. That resonated with me. Simply taking a step of faith is so hard. When the door to Ireland opened, I was scared to take that step. A part of me felt like running away the day of our flight. But I went and saw so many new things. I learned more about my life and the lives of others. I look at the world and my life differently now. If I hadn’t walked through that door, I wouldn’t have experienced such a magnificent adventure. If I had listened to my fears, I likely would have still been in my hometown, wondering what would have happened if I took that leap.

But I jumped and watched God unfold an incredible adventure before my eyes, one that I couldn’t have ever dreamed up for myself. It was a hard year, but it was worth it. I am finding out that while I have big dreams for myself, God had even grander ones. Richer ones. I can dream all I want, but God is the true visionary of my life.

I will be honest and say I am scared to go back to Ireland. The pandemic in its widespread, global impact has unleased a high degree of uncertainty in all our lives. So, like many, I have yet to know what will happen in my life for the rest of this year and even 2021. However, I will trust that God has the right opportunities for me. I want to continue to walk through the doors that open for me, with courage. And when things in my life happen differently than I expect (like this year with Covid-19), I will pivot and take changes in stride. I have such big dreams. I want to experience as much as I can and do so much with this life I am given. I am thankful that while I can dream big, I have someone dreaming bigger. Doors will open. I just have to jump.